July 29th, 2003

Eye of the Dragon

A little whine to go with all that cheese.

If you haven't noticed, for the last week, I've been trying to make a point of having at least one journal entry every day. It's just one of those little discipline things to try to keep my brain in gear. Once I feel I have a handle on this, I'll work my way up to drawing an hour or so a night. I'm still having trouble with Guilt Free Creativity, since I still haven't found full-time work. Worse, I'm still getting a paycheck from the Lab this summer, theoretically to revise my capstone thesis into something I can publish. That project is going nowhere fast -- and puts me in the hellish situation of HAving Homework Even After Graduation.

So... every minute I spend writing an LJ entry or writing stuff for Sanguine or trying to teach myself to draw cartoon bats is a minute Not Dedicated To The Twin Swords Of Damocles dangling over my head.

Doesn't matter to my superego if I spent all day pouring over ads and web sites and faxing resumes; doesn't matter if it's 19:00 hours and I should be winding down for the evening. Worst of all, it doesn't matter if I wind up skulking off and hanging out on FurryMUCK or watching television or just surfing the web idly. For some reason, the superego gets less irked by Time Totally Wasted than by Time Spent Doing Something Productive But Frivolous. Fun Work is still work, and if I'm going to work, the superego wants me to do its work.

On the other claw, I don't get as much done on either project as I should, because I get grumpy and cranky and petulant. I don't wanna have homework anymore. I don't wanna squint at teensy type in the Yellow Pages and cold-call companies that probably don't have anything for me, even if I guessed right from the company name and they actually are in my field.

Actual exchange: "Oh, no, 'marine survey' doesn't map the seafloor. We survey boats to make sure they meet standards." "Oh! That's entirely different, then! Never mind!" I feel like Emily Latella.

The id doesn't wanna do the superego's work, so it just goes off and sulks and doesn't do anything at all.

So... the Ego's going to step in. Every day, the three of us will do Something Productive on the Job Front, and Something Productive on the Capstone Front, and then, as a reward, we get to do Something Just For Ourself. Myselves? Whatever. Something that I can point to and say, "I did that, and it ws fun!"

And I'm going to try to remember that, once upon a time, writing and drawing and working on game stuff was fun. Once upon a time, it wasn't a chore.
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Eye of the Dragon

Whine Addendum

Oh, did I mention that the two Swords of Damocles constantly clash with each other, too? More than anything, in fact. "I need to do some serious job hunting!" constantly strives against "I need to do some serious work on the capstone revision!"

The Job Hunt's got the edge right now.