It's enough to prompt even the aggiest agnostic to wonder, "Why me? Who did I piss off?"
Well, I have a confession to make.
On September 15th, 2009, Jessica Simpson's dog was snatched by a coyote.
This was a minor news item, but one that prompted some small degree of amusement -- in part because so much of the "action" happened on Twitter.
We found one line in particular amusing:
Simpson, 29, has offered a reward to anyone who can reunite her with her 5-year-old, caramel-colored dog.
Quoth halfelf: "It's like she's expecting a ransom note from the coyotes, or something."
One thing led to another, and, before the hour was out, "CoyoteLuvsU" had a Twitter account, and had posted the following:
@JessicaSimpson WE hAVE YouR TAsTY tASTy DoG. DElIVeR 100 bOnz + 1 roDe RUnnEr To THE olD TRee In THE MeADoW. CoME alOnE, NO AnImAL CoNTRoL.
Today, on the phone with my mother, I mentioned this gag. Being no great fan of either Twitter nor Ms. Simpson, she found it uproarious -- but then stopped, and asked, "So, when did you do this?"
"September 15th", I answered.
"Aha!" she said, wise in the ways of Old Man Coyote. "That's when your trouble started. You took His name in vain."
My mother has a wonderful Ominous Prophecy Voice, and it has only improved with age.
I confess, the logic is inescapable. Indeed, at the time, I said, "I am so asking for trouble by doing this."
Friday the 13th seems the ideal time to Confess and Repent one's sins before the Trickster.
and trespassed upon a Gag that was rightfully Yours!
The forces of Cosmic Irony have weighed heavily upon me,
and more heavily still upon my late, lamented Grape,
who has suffered in my stead. I repent of my sin,
and my hubris in attempting to leech your Yuks!
You know, when I first came into possession of that Little Purple Car, I asked the opinion of a former Aspire owner, who had rolled his on Interstate 5 a year or two before, and come out unscathed. He said, "They may not look like much, but they'll give their lives for you."
Indeed, sir. Indeed.