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10 December 2010 @ 11:35 am
This one's for kinkyturtle, among others  
For those who think you're sick of Christmas Carols:

I work in a mall.

And this time of year, on the nights that they don't have one badly out-of-tune local chorus or another, they feel the need to fire up their usually-dormant PA-Muzak system and pump the mall full of Holiday Cheer at volumes that, alas, drowns out our store's poor, feeble stereo.

I think they have, at most, three CDs of carols, each of which only has three songs, because any given night, it seems like I keep hearing a given song over and over and over and over. It's a different song every day, but ... yeah, "Little Drummer Boy" is the worst. It seems to play non-stop on the nights it plays at all.

There's also a cover of "You're a Mean One, Mister Grinch", where the vocalist is a female tenor. That's just wrong. If you can't at least make a stab at imitating Thurl Ravenscroft, do not attempt this song.

To my own surprise, I do a pretty decent Thurl Ravenscroft. I only discovered this in the last week, as the_gneech and some others started posting "additional verses" to "Mister Grinch".)

Please note that I don't hate Christmas music in general. I hate badly-performed music, and repetitive music, but by and large, I find Christmas music catchy enough that I'll often absent-mindedly sing along.

I have to watch myself, though, because the lyrics I learned in grade school aren't always ... standard.

The Christmas Song
(Fountain Valley Unified School District Version)
Source Unknown

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping off your clothes
Yuletide threats being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like buffaloes

Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the yard
Helps to make the season bright
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight

They know that Saaaaaanta's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and weapons on his sleigh
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die

And so, I'm offering this sacrifice
Of kids from one to ninety-two
Although it's been said, many times, many waaaaaaaays ...

Merry Christmas ... Fuck you.

I have no idea where I first heard this, but in junior high, everyone else heard it from me. One year, with a suitable edit to that last line, the school Madrigals actually performed these lyrics in the holiday pageant, and got a standing ovation.

Tags: ,
gatewalkergatewalker on December 10th, 2010 08:12 pm (UTC)
I've gotten lucky this year with christmas music. I mostly only hear it in commercials or when Jenna's watching Yet Another Holiday Special Movie. Even the mall here doesn't have it playing(at least not during the day, dunno about the evening).
The Freudian Yard Salexylen on December 10th, 2010 09:47 pm (UTC)
Gotta love just how many renditions of the same songs you hear this time of year in retail. Where I work we've got one that's either Pink or Beyonce from what I can figure out but it sounds like the stoner version of Jingle Bells.
lyttlebyrdlyttlebyrd on December 10th, 2010 11:03 pm (UTC)
I hear ya.

We have a CD of rock-ish Christmas songs. I fucking hate the song "Run Run Rudoplh" now. I didn't like it before, but 12 versions played constantly makes me want to find a way to permanently ruin my eardrums. We have the version of "Mr Grinch" that you speak of. Terrible song.

Give me Nat and Frank and Rosemary and Eartha any day.
Sara/Caribousaribou on December 11th, 2010 01:11 am (UTC)
Fountain Valley Unified School District is where I grew up and did grammar and high school! I never thought anything so cool came outta there! (except Michele Phifer)
Your Obedient Serpent: barcodeathelind on December 11th, 2010 07:27 am (UTC)
Good golly! Really? I went to Samuel E. Talbert and Roch Courreges schools, from '72-'78.
A.R.M.: frog Naveen strummingkinkyturtle on December 11th, 2010 04:01 am (UTC)
Here's another guy who can do a decent Thurl Ravenscroft:

Araquan Skytracer: Louisaraquan on December 11th, 2010 07:16 am (UTC)
I approve of that userpic, by the way. :>
A.R.M.: Louis on hornkinkyturtle on December 11th, 2010 08:25 pm (UTC)
And I approve of yours!
soreth on December 11th, 2010 06:51 am (UTC)
I have in my possession a version of You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch sung by a female singer (Deanna Kirk) that's... pretty naughty. She sounds like she's got the hots for the Grinch. It works better than you'd expect.
Ursula Messerschmitt: Christmassnobahr on December 11th, 2010 07:56 am (UTC)
When I worked as a gift wrapper for The Game Keeper many, many Holiday Seasons ago, we had 3 holiday CDs. Bob River's Twisted Christmas, Bob River's I Am Santa Claus, and one of the Manheim Steamroller albums. People came into our store to escape from the pap being piped through the rest of the mall.