Your Obedient Serpent (athelind) wrote,
Your Obedient Serpent

This one's for kinkyturtle, among others

For those who think you're sick of Christmas Carols:

I work in a mall.

And this time of year, on the nights that they don't have one badly out-of-tune local chorus or another, they feel the need to fire up their usually-dormant PA-Muzak system and pump the mall full of Holiday Cheer at volumes that, alas, drowns out our store's poor, feeble stereo.

I think they have, at most, three CDs of carols, each of which only has three songs, because any given night, it seems like I keep hearing a given song over and over and over and over. It's a different song every day, but ... yeah, "Little Drummer Boy" is the worst. It seems to play non-stop on the nights it plays at all.

There's also a cover of "You're a Mean One, Mister Grinch", where the vocalist is a female tenor. That's just wrong. If you can't at least make a stab at imitating Thurl Ravenscroft, do not attempt this song.

To my own surprise, I do a pretty decent Thurl Ravenscroft. I only discovered this in the last week, as the_gneech and some others started posting "additional verses" to "Mister Grinch".)

Please note that I don't hate Christmas music in general. I hate badly-performed music, and repetitive music, but by and large, I find Christmas music catchy enough that I'll often absent-mindedly sing along.

I have to watch myself, though, because the lyrics I learned in grade school aren't always ... standard.

The Christmas Song
(Fountain Valley Unified School District Version)
Source Unknown

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping off your clothes
Yuletide threats being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like buffaloes

Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the yard
Helps to make the season bright
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight

They know that Saaaaaanta's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and weapons on his sleigh
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die

And so, I'm offering this sacrifice
Of kids from one to ninety-two
Although it's been said, many times, many waaaaaaaays ...

Merry Christmas ... Fuck you.

I have no idea where I first heard this, but in junior high, everyone else heard it from me. One year, with a suitable edit to that last line, the school Madrigals actually performed these lyrics in the holiday pageant, and got a standing ovation.

Tags: holiday, music

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